Log in

No account? Create an account
. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[27 Sep 2004|02:48pm]
[ mood | yay ]

totally have a new lj. and i think im back to the internet.
dont comment here just go to the new one please


tootles <333

1 comment|post comment

[12 Jun 2004|11:30am]
[ mood | tired ]

we talked last night,
nothing different,
this is the hardest thing i ever had to do,
like mental wise with him,
and sorta emotional because afterwards i cant stop doubting myself
to the point where i want to cry
he comes back tomorrow..*sighs*...

last night, when i went back into my room, i had nothing to do, i just layed there, i looked at a magazine for a few minutes but a surf board showed up and i just threw the magazine on the floor and i lyed there staring up at my ceiling, for an hour, thinking all the way back to decembre 5th, then i wrote a poem i might post sometime soon, i finally fell asleep at like 1:45 atleast that was the last time i glanced at my clock.
i had dreams about him all frickin night, dead serious, about when we met, the football game, all the nights we went to the movies.
i woke up in themiddle of the night with my hands shaking, and cold sweat, and butterflys in my stomache, and in the morning, i woke up thinking i was seriously and absolutly going to puke. i felt so sick. thank god i didn't puke i fucking hate puking.
today I am going to the mall with lissy toni and lindsay i cant wait to see those girls, you seriously have no idea how much i need this weekend.
hopefully nothing at all will go wrong, but since i just said that, somethign will, duh, commen sense guys you know something bad always happens to me
later kids..

waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me...
im waking up all alone waking up so relieved while your taking your time with apologies..
im planning out my revenge.
8 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2004|08:33pm]
[ mood | depressed.. ]

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up
I feel like giving up
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

3 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2004|10:46am]
4 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2004|10:19pm]
it feels like midnight
he called again we talked for a quite while.
stef you were right, you do end up doubting yourself
i should have known my happines wouldn't last
i completely jinxed myself.
maybe i should only pick the phone up once to him
and talk for only 5 minutes and make up an excuse to have to go.
im not gona be able to sleep tonight
why do i feel like crying
post comment

[10 Jun 2004|08:05pm]
[ mood | happy ]

aw, how cute
he called me 0=)
day one
good night everyone
post comment

[10 Jun 2004|06:41pm]
[ mood | happy =) ]

"ohhh baby dont you wana dance up on me"

I've been in a good mood all day, estefany helped me so much last night, I think she practicly changed the rest of my summer. I appreciate it so much babe thank you<3

Ugh I got my report card today, I have so many D's and 2 F's and C's . My mom cried, I laughed, then she yelled.

This sucks cuz I have really big plans this weekend

saturday - mall with lissy, toni, and lindsay <3! then spending the night at lissys with lindsay girl!
sunday - chizillin at lissys, then going to The Rock Show thing from 7pm- 12am, SURREAL IS PLAYING!!!! I can not wait to see Brandon and Blake, I am so excited, 3 more days *squeals* =)! then back to lissys casa to spend then night
monday- beach with lissy, lindsay, hopefully toni, and blake/brandon

i love toni..
sorry that was random =D

anyhoo, my mom just started bitching at me a while ago, and being like " why should i let you go anywhere with those grades"
and im like " you think every single time this summer i want to go out, your gona hold that against me? oh hell no, that F in math aint even my fault. "

whatever im gona be good as fuck, and if she still doesnt let me go, ill just walk out of the house like i did last time, and ride the bus, no biggie!

whatev kids im out.

like that?

6 comments|post comment

[09 Jun 2004|09:11pm]
[ mood | insanly depressed ]

i've just started crying again
i read all the way back to march 2nd today
such a drastic change, i was so happy. i never seen myself so happy. it put me into tears. if someone could have told me a week before he left, ..i could have prepared myself.

im the only one reasuring myself everything will be okay, that we can maybe someday be together again

xcrazybeauutiful: i have another question
xcrazybeauutiful: why do i still have hope
xThrown Aside: that one no one knows but you..sorry
xThrown Aside: i guess you just really loved him.
xcrazybeauutiful: but but
xThrown Aside: but but nothing..sorry
xcrazybeauutiful: God would have made me forget about him by now though wouldnt he.
xThrown Aside: sorry sasha...
xcrazybeauutiful: lsagj no stop=(
xcrazybeauutiful: stop stop stop

this feeling i have inside me ,so helpless, so weak
i used to be so excited right before the movies with him. i used to run up and give him such a big hug
i cant even remember what he looks like anymore but at the same time i know every detail
you all think that im just whining cuz non of you understand this feeling.
non of you care to even think about the emptyness i feel

how can you just abandon someone like that

theres just too much that time can not erase..

2 comments|post comment

[09 Jun 2004|12:01pm]
im pointless
he said so himself

why cant i stop crying..

hes gone.
i wont talk to him till sunday
even if i do get to talk to him

i imed him earlier and the first thing he said was "shutup"

maybe he'll realize how much he's hurt me and maybe..

i still have hope but i know theres no use.
4 comments|post comment

[09 Jun 2004|11:34am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Dear God
Why did you let me believe him when he said he was in love with me.
Why did you make me think that when you were going to take him away so soon.
Why did you make him be so mean to me.
Why did you let him fall in love with someone else.
Why didn't you make me forget him like he forgot me.
Why did you let me cry all those nights.
Why didn't you give me any faith of being okay?
Why did you let him leave God.
How can you let someone abandon me like that?
Why did you let me think everything would go back to normal for the past 3 weeks?
Why dont you give me strength not to talk to him.
Why .
Why did you make him leave me when I was so happy.
You've never seen me that happy before God why did you make it go away
Why does he say sorry so much God, why do you let me believe he's sorry when hes not.
Im never falling in love again God.
I promise if you get me over him
I wont ever fall in love again
I promise.
Please just make me forget the memories, please.
Please please please please fuckng please

fuck it im crying.

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
i fucking hate you

post comment

[08 Jun 2004|03:05pm]
[ mood | down ]

he came back, and woke me up again.
im mad at him, so i refused to go outside.
his friends we're calling me names so then i had a real reason to not go out there.
now hes really angry with me.
i screwed up again =(

he's leaving for the keys tomorrow.
im gona miss talking to him, even though whenever we talk he's yelling at me or mad at me.

=( im really sad right now.

[edit] 4:05

Surf Rx5506: hey babe
Surf Rx5506: sorry about earlier
xcrazybeauutiful: i know, its alright.

*sigh of relief*

1 comment|post comment

[08 Jun 2004|10:42am]
[ mood | angry ]

Guess who wakes me up this morning?! At 9:30?! With the stereo blasting and vibrating i could feel it in my BED.
yeah MIKE. he came for his busch gardens card.

the original plan, was, for me to mail it to him, but then he said he would come over tuesday ( today ) AFTER work, and then come swimming and hang out with me.

but no the jerkoff comes at 9:30 in the morning, honking his ass off, and calling my house, telling me to come outside.

okay if many of you dont know, when i wake up I BARELY EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON ,i need atleast an hour to collect myself AN HOUR not 3 seconds, i was barely dressed, my hair was a mess, and my face? " HI IM GROSS! "
he wouldnt let my brother give it to him, he wouldn' t let my mom give it to him. he wanted ME to come out there.

So we're arguing on the phone while hes sitting outside my houes and im fixing to go out on the balcony and throw the damn thing at him.but he left.

im so pissed off

i can not believe he just DID THAT.

post comment

[07 Jun 2004|11:12pm]
[ mood | what do you think my mood is ]

xCrAzYbeauutiful: from your honest to god opinion.
xCrAzYbeauutiful: do you think ill ever get mike back.
x Left Alone: hmmm...
xCrAzYbeauutiful: :-\
x Left Alone: honestly?
xCrAzYbeauutiful: mhm.
x Left Alone: i dont think so.
xCrAzYbeauutiful: oh wow...
x Left Alone: sorry
xCrAzYbeauutiful: dont be..
x Left Alone: u wanted the truth tho

and I know..
I know its time to say goodbye now

post comment

[07 Jun 2004|08:07pm]
[ mood | really..really sad and empty ]

forget his name and face
forget his kiss and warm embrace
forget the things he used to say
remember now he's gone away
forget the times that went so fast
forget his love which now has passed
forget the things he used to do
remember now he loves her too
forget the love that u once shared
forget the fact that he once cared
forget the way he said your name
remember now things arent the same
forget the talks that u once had
forget the thought it makes u sad
forget that u said u would wait
remember now his love is hate
forget him when they play your song
forget you cried the whole night long
forget he said he'd leave u never
remember now he's gone forever
1 comment|post comment

[07 Jun 2004|01:44pm]
[x] modeling was fun yesterday but so tiring.
i really like the girls there. its different from down here. its two seperate worlds.

[x] mike and i talked on the phone last night, we were doing real great in the beginning before the animosity started up, i tried making it go away but damn thats hard job.
i feel like my whole job is to send positive feelings to mike, its hard.
hes heartbroken and i feel bad for him. i want him to know im there for him

[x] im going to see mean girls today with the fam. i dont feel like seeing anyone
i really wana go to the beach. i'll probably go this week
maybe with blake or brandon, or mike if he wants to.

[x] 3 weeks go today. it feels like years. itd be so much easier if it wasn't summer.
3 comments|post comment

[06 Jun 2004|09:08pm]
[ mood | okay i guess ]

dont stop till the early mornin'
+9.Collapse )

6 comments|post comment

[06 Jun 2004|10:39am]
notice me...
take my hand..
why are we
strangers when...
our love was strong
why carry on without me
everytime i try to fly
i fall
without my wings i feel so small
i guess i need you baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face
its haunting me
i guess i need you baby

i make believe...that you are here
its the only way i see clear...
2 comments|post comment

[06 Jun 2004|10:37am]
[ mood | restless ]

heather and i took pictures last night.
we stayed up till 2:35 in the morning.

blake asked me if i wanted to hang out tomorrow
i was like whoa you want to hang out with me?
i asked where? and he said " i dunno theres of places " haha
so im gona ask mommy if we can hang out at the beach or something
heathers coming hopefully because i wana spend more time with her this summer, and if i cant hang out tomorrow blake definatly soon kay?

nevermind about the mike thing, i knew he wasn't sorry

i cried for like an hour last night, and ruined my makeup and heather was like "okay..i dont feel like being pretty anymore"
so we just got into our pajamies and talked and listened to music.

oh oh and we watched the britney spears concert, and hockey game although i dont know who won because we got distracted and the tv turned off.

im gona go finish packing for modeling.

.x.pictures coming soon .x.
1 comment|post comment

[05 Jun 2004|08:42pm]
[ mood | heather says my mood is sad. ]

yesterday heather came over, and we went to the mall, and met up with lissy and brandon, i saw mike z face and hugged him =) yay.

lissy " bought " me a ring
its pretty but keeps falling off my finger.

i talked to mike last night, jesus it was absolutly just wow, i cant say cuz i told him he could trust me, but now i know why he was being so mean to me the whole time after we broke up, why he didn't feel bad when i was crying my eyes out on the phone with him every night, why he said he didn't want me in love with him, and all that shit, now i know, and i cant believe it, it all made sense last night and i was like oh my god.
i knew something was wrong, i knew something was going on.
i hope my mikey boy is back, not even to date, just to be friends, and have fun and be close just like we always were. i really hope the worst is over now.

today heather and i went to the international mall and my mommy bought us clothes, we got matching black skirts, and different shirts.

heathers spending the night again.
i dont plan on going to sleep tonight although i have modeling school tomorrow.

i cant stop thinking about him.

i want to start over.

i want to go back to where we lasted.

6 comments|post comment

[04 Jun 2004|12:08pm]
+2 peter pan scenesCollapse )
4 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]